|
1. Pick cat up and cradle it to crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve
pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom
and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with
left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with
cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7.Retrieve
cat from curtain rail, get another pill from wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat's mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.
Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise
to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take pill from last wrap.
13. Tie cat's front
paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force
cat's mouth open with small spanner.
Push pill into mouth followed by large peace of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically
and pour half pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home
to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
|
